What your heart finds great, is great!

Life is about love and that love is divine. Divinity, is a light ignited in every single being.

One listen to Macklemore’s “Otherside” and I am saved again and again.

There are many days that I’m brought back to those sleepless nights, the desire to sip the pain away and live in isolation, or to not live at all.

Careless moments, lost moments, lies that could not be undone.

There were many things that played into my rescue, but it started with “Otherside.”

"Friendships cease, no peace in the mind. Stealin’, taking anything to fix the pieces inside. Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere, only motivation for what that dealer’s supplyin’.

… Thinkin’ I would never do that, not that drug- Growin’ up nobody ever does. Until you’re stuck lookin’ in the mirror, like I can’t believe what I’ve become. Swore I was gonna’ be someone and growing up, everyone always does.
We sell our dreams and our potential to escape through that buzz…keep me up…keep me up…”

These words connected with me and I knew upon my first listen, I had a problem.

Thank you, Ben Haggerty, for sharing your life and helping me with mine.

COME ON, BRAIIIINNN.

AREN’T YOU TIRED OF THIS YET?!?!!?

AHHHHJSNEIXKEJAJAK

Insanity

Does your brain ever feel like mine?
With words and sounds and pictures and people talking at the same time?
How do you escape?

dosopod:

“you don’t look depressed though”

oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today

(via lifefromgingereyes)

Today, my friend Bucky asked me if everything was okay and I was so caught up in the question…I began sobbing. But, I wasn’t sad. I was so grateful because for once…after years of misery and pain, I could say “YES.” 

And mean it.

Woah

I just read some old posts from 2013/2012 on my livejournal account…

Has it really been this long?

"We can do this shit!

I’ve been inside the looney bin and it was so relaxing, but I’ve never wanted more in my life to be better.

When you’re in there, you can’t go outside, your meals are at certain times, and you get little receipts that say ‘no sharps.’

I was overjoyed my first day out and I could use real utensils.

I’m never ever going to let myself fall that hard ever again.

I WILL REACH OUT.

You have to promise yourself because somewhere deep inside of you, you love the crap out of yourself. YOU WANT HER HEALTHY.”

I live in and out of hell.
It’s hard to escape for good.
The second you breathe in freedom,
Something sweeps you off
your feet,
Blinds you,
And
Drags you in backwards.

Suffocate
The mind

I’ve had enough.

2/28——-3/1

"…I am hurt.
It was as though the devil was painting the words that came out of her mouth.

All in red-insipid hell.

She said,

"You fucked up her
family.”

I can’t breathe.
I’m not hungry.
Death seems comfortable.
Hands over my face.

Where’s the syrup?

Run away…”

Suicide, July 29th 2013

I was reading some old journal entries and stumbled across a few heavy pages… This is just one entry:

"To my famiglia,

I have treasured each moment with all of you. Your ever-lasting support and love is what every person needs in this world.
Unfortunately, I am sick.

NOT because I think I am, but because it keeps coming back. I don’t want to be here anymore. The pain is too much. I wish not to hurt anyone anymore… I know I did not show you all my love, I just couldn’t. But, I did love you so much.

Life is so beautiful.
Death can be too.
I will be reborn through this.

I was an old soul because I failed before.
It all ended the same.
Life is like a video game, you get a new one.
I wonder if you ever escape…

I wonder if ill remember—
If I’ll feel the same, or if I’ll be tormented by my [old] lies.

That is my only fear.
That if I do die,
I won’t escape.


What do I do?”


The insanity of this entry can’t go unnoticed. It’s literally a battle between two people. Part of me acknowledges how great everything is an even admits uncertainty. Yet, the title is “suicide,” and I’m not exactly sure if I was planning to die that night. That is, until I flipped the page to the next entry. This one was also entitled “suicide.” However, this entry was addressed to my friends. The entry ends with, “I’m sorry.
I know this will be hard for some, but it’s for the best. [censored name], please take my Macklemore ticket. :o)”

I had decided then that I’d be dead.

The very next page is addressed to my work. I took the time to redefine our company mission statement and thank them for the opportunities and solace. “…I love my children, but I can no longer be with them.”

It’s amazing I came across these writings today because I was feeling the need to escape, to self harm, to hide… And now I see how far I have come.

I’m not confiding in syrups.
I’m not cutting myself.
I’ve been going to therapy very regularly, by my own free will.
I’ve been fighting hard.

I can’t throw that away this time.